I Don’t Know How to Wipe

My struggles in the bathroom and how I fixed them

Four people spelling out the word poop with sparklers in a long exposure photograph
“Poop” by gtmcknight is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

You know the saying “you can’t trust a fart”? Well, I can’t trust a wipe. I’m like a 35-year-old baby who still gets diaper rash because he can’t properly clean himself. I don’t know if my poo-pincher is broken or what, but sometimes I just can’t wipe enough to get clean.

I check the toilet paper after every wipe to see if I’m sanitary, only to be met with failure each time. This goes on until I give up and jump in the shower to spray myself out. Fortunately, we have one of those shower heads that you can pluck from the main position on the wall and move it around; I take great advantage of this.

The problem with showering for post-poo purposes

I don’t mind jumping in the shower to fully clean myself, but it’s frustrating. I have to strip, turn the water on, and spray myself out. The main problem with this is that my short-term memory is absolute garbage. So, by the time I strip, turn the water on, and get in the shower, my mind has fully convinced my body that it is time to take an actual shower. The next thing I know my hair is dripping wet and I have started my normal showering procedure instead of just spraying myself clean and quickly drying off.

When the water starts running down my face all I can do is let out an exasperated sigh, followed by an internal “not again,” and, if nobody is home, I start audibly cursing my broken B-ring.

Ghost Poops and My Sentient Shower-Head

So rare do I experience the fabled “ghost-poop.” For the uninitiated, I’m referring to those wondrous times when you wipe yourself after a poo and you notice that the toilet paper is as white as it was when you first freed it from its roll. Almost as if you never even pooped. Might as well just glue it back to the roll. (Don’t do that)

For every non-ghost-poop I have, I eventually find myself in the shower attempting to truly get clean. I’d like to take this time to say something to somebody very special to me. If my shower head has any semblance of sentience, access to the internet, and the ability to read this then…

I would like to profusely apologize to you, and doubly so if you can see out of your myriad of nozzle-eye sprayers. I can only imagine the truly horrific scenes you’ve seen play out in my undercarriage. I also want to thank you for saving countless pairs of boxers from the left-behinds of my messy wipes. You were my original poo-Boo and I don’t want you to be jealous of my new bidet-Bae.

Bidet to the Rescue

What is a bidet? According to Wikipedia, “a bidet is a bowl or receptacle designed to be sat on for the purpose of washing the human genitalia, perineum, inner buttocks, and anus.”

The type I purchased is a device that fits onto your existing toilet seat and shoots a powerful spray of water at your backside crevice. Thus, cleaning the excess nasty bits left behind after you finish your excretory business.

They are super easy to install (fitting right into your preexisting pipes) and will save you a fortune on toilet paper. Being the boujee boy that I am, I prefer to buy the softest toilet paper I can find — it takes a thousand wipes to get myself clean, taking quite the toll on my precious hole — and those goods are not cheap. I’m talking $25 for 24 rolls, and I go through those rolls faster than the Trump administration went through press secretaries.

If how I have described myself above sounds familiar to you; first, let me say I am terribly sorry you struggle with the dark-side of the bathroom boogie as well, and second, you might want to start thinking about a bidet. The one I chose was only $40 and has three different spray levels, from light drizzle, to full-on power-wash mode, and it has an entirely different setting for women to adjust the spray angle!

Before You Wipe Me Away

If my struggles resonate with you, and you decide to go the way of the bidet, you will not regret this. Below are only some of the benefits I have experienced after my life-altering acquisition.

  • No more adult diaper rash
  • Less embarrassingly dirty underwear
  • No more “am I just smearing poop around” wipe worries (THE WORST)
  • So much money saved on toilet paper
  • Your friends think you’re high kloss (class)
  • Most important of all, you feel clean and sanitary

Conclusion

If these aren’t enough to change your mind,
then stick to your wiping ways.
But, as there are brands of toilet papers,
there also exist many brands of bidets.
So, if one doesn’t suit your fancy,
just reignite your search
for the most pleasing of backside sprays.

Happy poops to all,
And to all a good wipe.

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