Inside the Mind of a Cat
It looks awfully familiar in here
What cat-parent hasn’t thought about what life would be like if you had the schedule and responsibilities of a cat? The answer is none, everybody who even gets near a cat has those thoughts.
Cats are able to spend all day sleeping, chasing random (often non-existing) things around the house, and getting what they want simply through the means of acting out.
We spend 40 hours a week chasing things (often non-existing things like happiness through wealth) and then come home to cause a ruckus until we get what we want, which is nearly always food or sleep.
While having the life of a cat is impossible, are we really that different?
Hunger
Let’s use hunger as a starting point. Hungry cats voice their little opinions about you when they start getting hungry. They follow you around the house like a helicopter parent and let you know everything you’re doing wrong. And within these spiteful meows, somehow you’re able to translate, “If you feed me I’ll stop hovering and judging.”
If you thought having the desire to inflict pain while hungry was specific to the human race, think again. It turns out hanger (hunger and anger) is not restricted to humanity; cats have honed this emotion to such an admirable point that they may have been where it originated.
Don’t ask a scientist. Just keep reading.
Hanger can also turn your, formerly domesticated cats, into mischievous mini mountain lions in order to get noticed since their incessant meowing has failed to coax you into filling their bowls. They become enraged that you were incapable of translating the most vital piece of information they were attempting to convey and will promptly begin knocking things off of any surface they can get their paws on. If you’re in the room they’re ransacking, they love nothing more than making direct eye contact with you as they send your items flying to the floor.
It’s All About Control
Cats love being in control. This is why, when you eventually give in and feed them (long before their set feeding time), they will put their snobby little noses in their food bowl, look at you, and then go lay down somewhere until they feel like eating.
You see, they weren’t hungry; they were demonstrating a simple exercise of power to assure themselves that they are still the “Kings” of their respective jungles (Queens in my case).
They perform these exercises in case something drastic happens, and they need to call you into action. The more they manipulate you, the better they feel about their ability to do so. They are training you, not the other way around.
For example: Say they see a bug on the wall, and it’s too high up for them to bat at with their little murder mittens, and the bug isn’t responding to the cat’s specific chirping meows saved for bugs. In this instance, they will need you to pick them up and bring them within torturing distance of the bugs. Without testing the powers of their manipulation skills, they would be unable to coax you into picking them up, and the bug would be allowed to safely roam the home out of harm’s way (reach).
Should you fail to help in this situation, they will begin to train you harder which will mean more meows, more precious trinkets on the floor, and less overall sleep until you have learned your lesson, but more on that later.
Cabinets
Can we talk about cabinets for a second? I have had to buy child-proof locks for my cabinets because these little fur-demons, in the middle of the night, will sit next to our bathroom cabinets, and paw them open just far enough to where they will slam if they let them go, and then…they let them go. This is by far the most advanced training tool they use, and they only use it whenever they feel they’re being ignored, which is any time we go to sleep, happen to watch TV, or are eating dinner without them. Oh cabinets, you will be my downfall.
Who Does Number Two Work For
With cabinets out of the way, it’s poop’s time to shine. You hear the litter being scraped around, and a few seconds later you’re bound to see a cat shoot out of the bathroom, or wherever you keep their excrement engagement device. They get a severe case of the zoomies right after they poop! Does this remind you of anybody, say…yourself?
I don’t know about you, but I always high-five myself for not kicking the bucket on the toilet after a successful bowel movement. I feel lighter, happier, and ready to move! I should note this only happens if I’ve had an equally successful cleanup process — think of Andy’s (Chris Pratt) joke from the TV show “Parks and Recreation” where he keeps wiping, but it’s like he’s wiping over a permanent marker every time, streak after streak after streak — but I just bought a bidet, so I’ve been having a much higher rate of success lately. My point being, pooping gets me pumped.
Your cat just pooped and they are, lucky for them, natural clean-cutters who don’t have to worry about wiping, so they immediately start tearing ass (no pun intended) around the house! Darting in and out of rooms, running up to you, and running away just as fast. If you have more than one cat, don’t be surprised if they zoom up to the other one, give it a quick bap to the face, and then dart away to keep zooming around. Pooping has clearly pumped them up as well.
Sleep
Aside from hunger and pooping, the last thing I’ll bring to your attention is sleep. They get to sleep whenever they like. They’re like little newborn babies, but covered in fur, and bred to kill. So maybe a little more like gremlins, but I’m not up to date on gremlin sleep cycles, so the comparison just isn’t there. The one other thing they share in common with gremlins, since you brought them up, is that getting them wet can really turn them into crazed kitties whose only thoughts are of culling and mayhem. So, not much different than their normal mindset, just more fury-driven.
Cats and kittens alike are prone to sleeping anywhere from 12 to 20 hours a day, and I don’t know about you, but I would do that if I could. Does that make me lazy? No, you watch your tongue, it makes me a glutton for sleep, and I won’t apologize.
Conclusion
I’m the proud father of two fur-daughters, Ryder Anne, and Eleven Marie. And yes, those are their middle names. It is how they introduced themselves to us through expression when we took them into our humble abode, and we wouldn’t dare question their choices as they are excellent ones.
So the next time you see your cats acting out, think about what they’re trying to tell you, and what you would want if you were in their paws. Keep in mind that it probably isn’t a hot shower or a stiff drink.
Disclaimer
All cats, like their human counterparts, are not alike and therefore cannot be held to these standards/examples I have provided. If you have been blessed with a cat who does none of the things mentioned above, then I envy you. Pets and kisses to your angel kitties.
